Dealing with the difficult personality

While everyone has a unique personality, certain patterns of behavior recur across individuals and relationships. Some of these behaviors may be associated with diagnosable disorders, but I don’t want to get too deep into diagnoses here. Instead, I’ll stick with a term one of my clients used to describe his issues with his wife, whom he described as having a “difficult personality,” or DP for short.

Of course, difficult interpersonal behavior takes many forms, but I’m going to focus on a particular set of behaviors that tend to create a great deal of interpersonal conflict. Again, these are behavioral patterns, not diagnostic criteria. Most, if not all of us, have exhibited many of these behaviors ourselves at various times in our lives, for a variety of reasons. Here, then, is a list of problematic behavioral patterns that frequently co-occur:

• Manipulation. Some people respond to confrontation by shifting the focus away from their own behavior and toward the supposed failings of the person confronting them. Guilt becomes a particularly effective tool in this process, whether or not the person is consciously using it. This person can be caught red-handed in a bad behavior, but somehow twist things around in such a way that you become the bad guy. More than once, a client has told me of a time when they confronted bad behavior in a partner or family member, and ended up apologizing in spite of a nagging sense that they had been conned.
• Inability to take personal responsibility or apologize. When a person does apologize, the apology may be qualified or redirected in a way that shifts the emotional burden back onto the other person: ‘Fine, you’re right, I’m a terrible person.’ Rather than acknowledging the specific behavior and its impact, the exchange becomes about reassuring the person who caused the harm.
• Lots of interpersonal conflicts. DPs are frequently in conflict with others, and as a result, they have often driven away a fair number of friends and family members. This can result in the partner of a DP feeling pressured to meet all of their social needs on their own.
• Black or white thinking. DPs often exhibit all-or-nothing thinking, which means those around them can go from being the greatest thing since sliced bread to the worst person on Earth in a matter of seconds.
• Extreme susceptibility to perceived criticism or insults. DPs often misconstrue harmless remarks as criticism, and actual criticism is usually met with intense resistance and counter-attack.
• An unstable sense of self. Although their outward behavior may seem forceful or self-assured, some people who exhibit these patterns struggle with deep feelings of shame, fear, or inadequacy. In such cases, behaviors that appear arrogant, hostile, or controlling may serve as attempts to protect a fragile sense of self.
• Fear of abandonment. It’s a cruel irony that, for many DPs, their worst fear is abandonment, while their abrasive behaviors often result in their worst fears being realized.
• Highly critical of others. While DPs have difficulty admitting to their own faults, they are often quick to point out the perceived  faults of others. It is not unusual for DPs to criticize behaviors of those around them that they are guilty of themselves, creating a double standard.

If someone you know demonstrates some of these behaviors on a fairly regular basis, then you are likely dealing with the type of difficult personality this article focuses on. If your relationship with that person has left you feeling confused, angry, and at a loss, then you are not alone. Partners and family members of DPs are often at their wits end, and efforts to please the other person and reduce conflict are usually met with only temporary relief, at best. Don’t despair! There are tools available to you that can reduce conflict and redefine the relationship, although using such tools will likely cause you to have to step outside of your comfort zone.

As mentioned earlier, I don’t want to get too deep into diagnostic labels. However, some of the behavioral patterns described above can occur in people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD). None of these behaviors, individually or collectively, is sufficient to establish either diagnosis, and similar patterns can arise for a variety of reasons.

In nearly three decades as a therapist, I have worked with individuals who met the diagnostic criteria for NPD or BPD, which has given me considerable experience recognizing and working with these patterns. While some of the behaviors associated with these disorders can be extremely difficult for others to live with, the people exhibiting them are human beings, just like you and me, and are worthy of respect. However, being respectful doesn’t require you to become an emotional punching bag for another person.